oh, okay!

I took my first ovulation test Christmas day, 2016. The thought of having a baby by the following Christmas was everything. I'd waited so long to start trying. It was a magical time. I shared with only a handful of people that we were trying and I always mentioned it with a guarded heart. like I didn't actually believe it was going to happen.

I told myself from the beginning that we wouldn't fall pregnant on the first try, so when I started my period after that first month, I was sad but eager to try again. We tried again and again. For six months; each month going the extra mile, tracking with ovulation tests and body temperatures and taking a cocktail of vitamins.

Each month my heart sank lower and lower.

 After that first year I was in complete denial that this was happening to us. We  were coming up on that year mark where we could technically be considered infertile. I hated that word.  I still hate that word. It feels dirty. 

 I spent the second year distracting myself with different ventures and some maybe not so good vices. 

I was SAD. I couldn't believe that of all things, THIS had to prove to be so damn hard. you cant imagine the heartache. 

I stopped tracking, I stopped the vitamins and I tried to forget about it. ha. I didn't forget. At the two year mark, I went in to see a doctor for help. It's bizarre that this was only 10 months ago. I couldn't imagine then how much the next year would change our course of lives so much.

Paralyzed

From the time I was a little girl I knew I wanted to be a mom. I remember stuffing my shirt with pillows and literally admiring my reflection in the mirror. When the neighborhood kids would come over to play 'house' I would always take the roll of being 'mom.' Being a mom is what I was born to do. 

So as luck would have it, I met the one I would one day call my husband in the 8th grade. I was smitten from the start. Life happened fast. There were graduations, career moves, we bought a house, we got married we settled comfortably and then time froze. 

We decided to have a baby and then it didn't happen. 

The last few years have been the most challenging years of my life. We went through three medicated cycles on Letrozole and end each cycle ended with a stark white pregnancy test. We moved on to a fertility clinic where I was officially diagnosed as infertile due to tubal issues. My tubes are blocked and inoperable.

This is our ticket straight to IVF and I'm paralyzed with fear. I have my IVF consult mid October and once I have definitive idea of what the next year will look like, I want to come back here to document it. I'm a stew of emotions and I've been brewing long enough... I need an outlet!

With a hopeful heart,

Geraldine