oh, okay!

I took my first ovulation test Christmas day, 2016. The thought of having a baby by the following Christmas was everything. I'd waited so long to start trying. It was a magical time. I shared with only a handful of people that we were trying and I always mentioned it with a guarded heart. like I didn't actually believe it was going to happen.

I told myself from the beginning that we wouldn't fall pregnant on the first try, so when I started my period after that first month, I was sad but eager to try again. We tried again and again. For six months; each month going the extra mile, tracking with ovulation tests and body temperatures and taking a cocktail of vitamins.

Each month my heart sank lower and lower.

 After that first year I was in complete denial that this was happening to us. We  were coming up on that year mark where we could technically be considered infertile. I hated that word.  I still hate that word. It feels dirty. 

 I spent the second year distracting myself with different ventures and some maybe not so good vices. 

I was SAD. I couldn't believe that of all things, THIS had to prove to be so damn hard. you cant imagine the heartache. 

I stopped tracking, I stopped the vitamins and I tried to forget about it. ha. I didn't forget. At the two year mark, I went in to see a doctor for help. It's bizarre that this was only 10 months ago. I couldn't imagine then how much the next year would change our course of lives so much.