oh, okay!

I took my first ovulation test Christmas day, 2016. The thought of having a baby by the following Christmas was everything. I'd waited so long to start trying. It was a magical time. I shared with only a handful of people that we were trying and I always mentioned it with a guarded heart. like I didn't actually believe it was going to happen.

I told myself from the beginning that we wouldn't fall pregnant on the first try, so when I started my period after that first month, I was sad but eager to try again. We tried again and again. For six months; each month going the extra mile, tracking with ovulation tests and body temperatures and taking a cocktail of vitamins.

Each month my heart sank lower and lower.

 After that first year I was in complete denial that this was happening to us. We  were coming up on that year mark where we could technically be considered infertile. I hated that word.  I still hate that word. It feels dirty. 

 I spent the second year distracting myself with different ventures and some maybe not so good vices. 

I was SAD. I couldn't believe that of all things, THIS had to prove to be so damn hard. you cant imagine the heartache. 

I stopped tracking, I stopped the vitamins and I tried to forget about it. ha. I didn't forget. At the two year mark, I went in to see a doctor for help. It's bizarre that this was only 10 months ago. I couldn't imagine then how much the next year would change our course of lives so much.

Paralyzed

From the time I was a little girl I knew I wanted to be a mom. I remember stuffing my shirt with pillows and literally admiring my reflection in the mirror. When the neighborhood kids would come over to play 'house' I would always take the roll of being 'mom.' Being a mom is what I was born to do. 

So as luck would have it, I met the one I would one day call my husband in the 8th grade. I was smitten from the start. Life happened fast. There were graduations, career moves, we bought a house, we got married we settled comfortably and then time froze. 

We decided to have a baby and then it didn't happen. 

The last few years have been the most challenging years of my life. We went through three medicated cycles on Letrozole and end each cycle ended with a stark white pregnancy test. We moved on to a fertility clinic where I was officially diagnosed as infertile due to tubal issues. My tubes are blocked and inoperable.

This is our ticket straight to IVF and I'm paralyzed with fear. I have my IVF consult mid October and once I have definitive idea of what the next year will look like, I want to come back here to document it. I'm a stew of emotions and I've been brewing long enough... I need an outlet!

With a hopeful heart,

Geraldine

I'm Back

I've been MIA, not that I ever really ever dedicated much time to my blog anyway. But I'm looking for an outlet; somewhere I can jot my feelings down about life and how I feel about it. I want to even possibly use my blog as a manner to keep myself in check. More on that later, I promise.

A little quick update, I'm about to leave my comfy job in the insurance field. I need a push to finish school already. I mean, I am 23 this upcoming Tuesday and have not made much progress. Am I complaining? No. But I am giving myself a friendly reminder that I've got places to go and people to meet and I can't wait much longer.

With that said, and I hope I've not confused myself, I say good bye. For now. I will be blogging atleast once a week from now on. Probably on Sundays. So I will see you then!

xoxo Geraldine

Trick Or Treat, Smell My Feet

It was 102 degrees out today but it felt like elevinty thousand. No, really, that's what it felt like! & even though summer is at it's peak and probably wont disappear until early October, I'm dreading it's goodbye. I love summer. A lot. Although, I could do without the sweaty arm pits, crickets, second degree burns, oh and sweaty feet. But the alternative is winter: short days, ugly coats, ugly weather. Pretty sucky all around. The only thing that gets me through winter is hot chocolate (preferably the kind with marshmallows) and the light at the end of the tunnel: summer :).

The bridge between summer and winter is fall. Here in Texas we get about 12 days of awesome fall weather accompanied by Halloween; did you know it's my favorite holiday? It's true. It allows me to dig into my inner child and make these:

And I'm allowed to wear silly wigs like this:

Any who, I need to do loads of laundry, seriously it's like 5. I hate laundry :( Wanna help? I pay in Skittles!

I Know :)

Baby fever is possibly the worst kind of sickness any unwed 21 year old female can go through. Honestly, my plan IS to wait another 4 years and then make some cute little babies, but the problem is I am so impatient! Is it ridiculous that I spend a lot of my time thinking about little boy names and little girl names? Or that I have decided what months I would like for my offsping to have birthdays? I think so. I know I'm young and have the rest of my life to have children; and I know I am not even close to being stable enough to having kids. I know all of these things, but i still have this horrible urge. I'm absolutely terrified that I'll die before i have kids, and that thought it self scares me more than death it's self. It's completely bonkers, I know. But i can tell you this. It's MY CALLING, to be a mother, I know this like I know that the sun will rise tomorrow. I know for a fact that if I don't ever put my hard work and sweat into anything else in my life, I will in to being the best mother I can be. This I know.

Also, I'd like to wish one of my beautiful best friends, Jennifer, a belated birthday as well as My little sister, Lily, a happy 20th birthday this Monday!

Simply Happy

I'm just happy, that's it. If i blogged every day they would all be happy posts, for the most part. I've recently broken the memory card on my camera and i'm waiting for a new one... so until then, I lack good pictures :(
4th of July weekend was swell, spent time with the family and did a load of laundry, I was also  reminded why I don't spend TOOO much time with the family. Aside from my mom, dad, brother and sister, I have NOTHING in comom with cousins, aunts and uncles. Nice people, but were all so completely different. I suppose we are all very different but I tend to follow those who have the same interests in life as i do, they- have verrry different ideas and opinions than I do. I guess it's my generation, and the fact that i was raised in a completely different culture/home than they were. It's a pretty wierd situation, but with my immediate friends and family by my side I'm a supa happy girl :)

xoxo
JD

Vacation

I've been back at work for a week and I'm  already looking forward to my next one. While we were there it all felt surreal. Now i look back on my vaction and it feels like a dream. I'd give my pinky toe to spend another week with Chase in Florida.

Minutes before I started crying take off :)

:

The pictures don't do justice of the beautiful weather and beaches. More pictures to come soon :)